SUPERMAN VS. AIRPORT SECURITY

Written by me and my friend Jesse Moriarty. By the way... this and 2 other plays of mine go up
TONIGHT to be performed. So yeah... tell me what you think!

LIGHTS UP

An Airport. LOIS(25) waits patiently for her friend to
arrive. Enter CLARK KENT(25 too). He's in a business suit
with his glasses on.

LOIS
About time you showed up.

CLARK
Sorry I'm late, there was a...
disturbance.

LOIS
Well Clark, lets just get on the
plane.

CLARK
Okay Lois.

They get in the security line, headed by Officer Parks.

CLARK (CONT'D)
You know, I've actually never flown
like this before.

LOIS
Really? On a plane?

CLARK
Oh uh-- I meant... this airline and
stuff. Yeah.

LOIS
Well, you're in for a treat.

They get to the front of the line. There's a metal detector.
Lois passes through it. No problem. Clark goes to pass
through it, and it beeps.

CLARK
Oops.

OFFICER
I'm sorry sir, step through again.

Clark walks around it, and steps through it again. Beeps.

CLARK
I must have some change or
something.

OFFICER
Place it in the basket sir.

Clark empties out his pockets and places the change in the
basket. He walks through again, it beeps.

CLARK
I don't know what's going on.

OFFICER
Can I see your ID sir.

CLARK
Sure.

Clark fishes out his ID, and hands it to OFFICER PARKS.

OFFICER
A Mr... Clark Kent?

CLARK
Yeah, that's my press badge, I work
for the Daily Planet.

OFFICER
Okay sir, remove your shoes and
step through again.

Clark does so. It still beeps.

LOIS
Problem boys?

CLARK
Just go on ahead Louis, I'll be
there soon.

LOIS
Suit yourself.

Lois goes inside.

OFFICER
Belt sir.

Clark removes it and it still beeps.

CLARK
You sure your machine isn't broken?

OFFICER
Please remove your watch sir.

Clark removes his watch and steps through. Beeps.

CLARK
Well I'm not sure what it is.

OFFICER
Okay sir, I'm gonna have ask you to
remove your glasses.

Clark freezes. a good pause here. This is...this is bad.

CLARK
...What?

OFFICER
Your glasses sir. Please remove
your glasses and step through the
detector again.

CLARK
Is that... really necessary?

OFFICER
Sir, I would appreciate it if you
didn't question my methods as an
officer of the law--

CLARK
OH No NO no! I have the UPMOST
respect for the law sir, and for
YOU, it's just... I have a
severe... ocular condition that I
can't-- I'm not suppose to take
these off.

OFFICER
You're also not suppose to disobey
an airport security guard.

CLARK
Sir, I... I really need these.

OFFICER
You can't walk five steps without
your glasses sir?

CLARK
Kind of.

Silence.

OFFICER
Sir take off your glasses.

CLARK
Well Uh... are you sure there's
nothing else it could be.

OFFICER
I don't know sir are you hiding
something from me?

CLARK
NO, I'm just... How bout... can'
you look away, as I walk through?
Would that work?

OFFICER
Why would I do that sir?

CLARK
I'm just... I'm not very
comfertable with--

OFFICER
Sir, If I were to look away, that
would ruin the entire purpose of
having you do this procedure.

CLARK
Look, we're holding up a lot of
people in line--

OFFICER
Well if you took off your glasses
sir, we wouldn't be in this
situation would we, sir?

CLARK
UH... look, uh... what's your name
buddy?

OFFICER
I prefer not to share my personal
information with a potential
suspect.

CLARK
When did I become a suspect?

OFFICER
When you refused to obey the law
sir.

CLARK
Look, Officer... if you had a
REALLY important secret, that a lot
of people depended on, and you were
in my place, wouldn't you be...
able to trust me.

Pause.

OFFICER
Sir, are you threatening me?

CLARK
What? No?!

OFFICER
Then Sir, take off your glasses and
step through the metal detector.

CLARK
You know what Uh... Maybe I'll just
go. I'll catch another flight,
thanks--

OFFICER
Actually, at this point sir, I
can't let you leave.

Clark cocks an eyebrow.

CLARK
What? Why not?

OFFICER
Sir I have a responsibility to the
people in this airport and this
country.

CLARK
Okay look, how could my glasses
possibly be a weapon?

OFFICER
I don't know sir. How could they?

CLARK
They couldn't that's what I'm
saying?

OFFICER
Sir, last week we had an incident
involving a man who tried to
smuggle explosive chemicals in his
beard.

CLARK
I Know, Superman Stopped it.

OFFICER
And by doing what your doing now
sir, you're dishonering everything
superman stands for.

Clark sighs.

CLARK
This is ironically cruel.

OFFICER
Sir, do I have to ask you again?

CLARK
WHY-- Can't I just leave? I can get
there myself.

OFFICER
Sir, I can't have you leave for the
chance that you may communicate
with your terrorist cell.

CLARK
I work for the Daily Planet!

OFFICER
Is that what you call yourselves?

CLARK
Look, I understand that you feel
THREATENED by what's happened in
recent years-- but don't you feel
your overreacting! I mean millions
of people just want to live there
lives! Not everybody has BOMB!

OFFICER
Sir please hand over your Bomb.

CLARK
I DON'T HAVE A BOMB!

OFFICER
Then take off your glasses sir!

CLARK
I can't take off my glasses!

OFFICER
Are you hiding something from sir!

CLARK
This is a VERY Personal matter!
Okay????

OFFICER
Look Sir, in the interests of
safety... the government is
entitled to know your secrets.

CLARK
...NO! NO IT ISN'T!

OFFICER
Sir, I'm going to ask you take off
your glasses one more time, and
then I'm going to arrest you.

CLARK
Look buddy--

OFFICER
One...

CLARK
Sir--

OFFICER
Two...

CLARK
You know what?

OFFICER
THREE!

CLARK
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! GOD DAMN IT!

Clark Kent takes off his glasses.

CLARK (CONT'D)
THERE! YOU HAPPY! HA! LOOK AT THAT!
OOH LOOK AT MISTER KENT! OH WAIT!
THAT'S SUPERMAN! OH SHIT! THANKS A
LOT OFFICER-- You've now ruined
EVERYTHING!
You know what, tell you what-- Why
don't you just fuckin stab me...
with kryptonite. Just stab me, with
that... because truth justice, and
the American way, are dead, because
YOU, had to make me ruin my
admittedly transparent, and pretty
crappy disguise-- but that's not
the point! If anything that's a
reflection on how stupid you people
are. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's a
pair of glasses! But you know what,
forget it, because the guy I'm
talking to thought glasses were a
BOMB! So what now Mr. Officer
Parks? Huh? What now? DECIDE NOW
THE FUTURE OF THE HUMAN RACE, AND
LET ME ON THAT FUCKING PLANE!

Pause. Officer Parks feels awkward.

OFFICER
Please step through the detector
sir.

Clark steps through, no beeping. Another Officer comes up.

OFFICER PETTY
Parks, I thought I told you not to
use that one, it's broken.

Officer Parks shrugs.